I began a new Dutch class yesterday and fell asleep from pure mental exhaustion almost as soon as I got home. I learned two very valuable lessons though from the class.
1. Under no circumstances should you be the first person into the classroom for a new lesson.
I am always ridiculously early for everything. I’m usually there 30 minutes before a train leaves, 15 minutes before a doctor’s appointment and don’t even getting me started on waiting for flights – I’d almost be there the night before if anyone would let me. As you can imagine this annoys the shite out of my occasionally better half who is usually on the other side of the being punctual time line.
For my Dutch class I decided, against my all my instincts, to be only a few minutes early. At the most I would say I was there four minutes before anyone else. Anyone else except the teacher that is. Those four minutes gave him more than enough time to interrogate me and perfectly learn my name. This of course resulted in 90% of the questions during the whole two hours being directed at me – the only person whose name he could remember.
2. Always eat before a new class.
About an hour into proceedings while I was still busy trying to act like I did speak Dutch and really did belong to this level, my stomach decided to join the group and make his voice heard too. I don’t think ‘rumble’ really covers the sound that emerged from my body. In the small room that we were in it sounded more like a Boeing 737 taking off. Everyone subtly raised their voices in an attempt to be heard over the racket. The mortification! The more I tried to concentrate on keeping it quiet the louder it protested. Drinking a whole bottle of water merely made the tone slightly more musical but the excessive volume lingered. By the end of the class my stomach was speaking better Dutch than I was.
I can hardly wait for next week.
Still though, stomach rumbling isn’t as bad as farting.
You sound like the Linzi of my relationship – she’s always going on at me to try to make us an hour early for everything. I’m punctual too, but just regular punctual, like two minutes before I’m due.
Fek! Kav got in first. I’m late again.
The early bird catches the worm but unless he eats it, gets a rumbly tum.
Kav – that’s true – at least the rumbling doesn’t smell
Primal – You just have to try harder! Your day will come.
Ellie – hehe oh that’s way too sharp for this time of the day – well done
I think you missed the most important point, why would you want to learn Dutch sure they all have great English?
You don’t know the half of it Flirty – trying to find a Dutch person willing to have the patience to speak Dutch with a foreigner is the hardest task!
Hee hee – in my previous incarnation as an English teacher I used to pick on the three or so people whose names I could remember as well! They only way to get him to stop is to play Paris Hilton dumb every time you’re asked a question for the next month…
Dutch must be really hard though. Italian is really easy – you just take an English word, stick an “o” or an “a” on the end of it and in a momento (see?) you’re speaking Italiano…
I’m usually on the early side myself. I’m trying to improve, though. Yesterday my VERY Late friend actually beat me. She called to be sure I was OK. “Oh, fine, I said, I’m walking there as we speak.” It felt wonderful. The tummy rumblies just suck. Our meetings tend to start around 11, and sometimes they go a long, long time. Around 1, I’m starving, bitchy, and my tummy is making itself heard. Makes for a very long meeting.
Any new words?
Sounds like me in Irish class, Conor. My prof picked on my mercilessly. We were supposed to have these web chats in Irish above the 4 hours class time each week and I was the only one to show up online every week and she would fire questions at me endlessly for the hour. If I took too long writing an answer she would type in another question. The other students would say they were unable to log on or some shit. So unfair.
I hope you aren’t stuck in the same position, Conor. If you want to make enemies or spread the misery you could throw questions at other students around the room to deflect the attention off yourself.
Caro – I was an English teacher too – I was never able to remember anyone’s names so I usually just made them up – the students got used to it – Dutch requires you to make some extremely odd sounds with your throat. Sort of like gargling and coughing at the same time. I do like the language though I must admit.
Sassy – I always tell my late friends a time that is 30 minutes before I will arrive – I still end up waiting – probably because they worked out my trick
Medbh – Good grief, web chats in Irish – your teacher sounds like a real slave driver – I think I would have had connection issues too had I been in your class, buachaill dana that I am
Wow. I am the total opposite; I am five minutes late for everything all the time. I think I have built up such a huge backlog of tardiness that no matter how hard I try I will always be late.
U zou naar een restaurant moeten gaan
check me out!!!
And number 3. Never let on how long you’ve been studying the language or everyone will assume you’re better than them (rather than hopelessly slow at picking it up) and not only the teacher but all the other students will expect you to have the answer to every question. The Italian for vacuum cleaner? Ah, Nick’s bound to know. Perpetually embarrassing every time you sit there looking blank (actually, it’s aspirapolvere – the “suck-dust” – good, huh?)
If i’ve got an appointment to make in the morning, i will sit and think about how long each part of getting ready will take (make coffee – 3 mins, shower – 10 mins, dress – 4 mins, misc – 10 mins) then i’ll over-calculate the drive time to get to the appointment, and then i’ll tack on another 20 mins, and that’s how i arrive at what time to set the alarm for.
Well that’s how it used to work anyway.
Nowadays, throw a 2 yr old into the mix and i’m ALWAYS late.
I spent 4 months working on a ship with a bunch of Dutch dudes & dudettes. They all spoke english, but whenever we were in a group, they reverted to dutch. Pure torture. I hadn’t a word of the language and even after 4 months only learned how to say “fuck off” and “did you get some last night”.
blarneyman – I know your type – so long as your reputation is known though people probably make allowances
Have you ever missed a flight?
manuel – I’m well impressed – Ben je stiekem een Nederlander? I’d love to visit your restaurant but the location remains somewhat of a secret I believe
nick – Hey its Dust Sucker in Dutch too actually – Stofzuiger! I made very sure to announce to everyone that this was my first ever proper lesson despite being in the advanced group and living here for donkeys years – that bought be at least ten minutes sympathy until everyone forget.
derfen – surely with a two year old you are allowed at least twenty-five minutes after the time before you can be officially declared late. The first thing most foreigners learn in Dutch is ‘Neuken in de keuken’ which means fucking in the kitchen. It rhymes in Dutch! It’s a bit like learning Póg mo thón I think. I’ve yet to hear an actual Dutch person come out with it.
impressive…all ya’ll always seem to speak mulitple languages…i’ve only learned two…amurican and southern
*is little joke, eh?*
I take it you did not tell your classmates that you have actually been living with a Dutch person for… how many years now?
As for the tummy rumbling: you never know. In a Dutch class, people might take it for ventriloquism.
savannah – You should see my CV – according to that I can speak all sorts of languages
hidh – I give them information on a need to know basis – they don’t need to know much I’ve decided
Don’t drink guinness before a class either. The only thing that will keep you awake is your desperate need to pee.
God, I used to do the same thing to students when I was a TEFL(on) teacher. Or else I’d keep picking on the cute ones. Maybe your teacher is trying to tell you something (!)
I’m with Kav; hungry is better than farting. I know which one I’d rather sit next to.
K8 – Oh I already had that problem too. I swallowed a whole bottle of water thinking that would quell the rumbles but all it achieved was making me desperately want too pee
enda – oh I really hope not – he was made of cardboard – I’m thinking of throwing water at him next week to check
fatsparrow – too true, the room was way to small to even consider farting – there’s no way at all you’d get away with it
Hi mate, though language indeed. I once did and intership in The Hague and tried to learn Dutch… but as they all do speak English there, I became lazy. Laziness is the mother of all vices. Or whatever. See ya.
I’m Dutch. ^^
I hate the language, though.