My own blog thinks I am spam. Or at least it thinks my comments are spam. How messed up is that? I am finding it very hard not to take this personally as it has now happened three times in a week. I reply to people’s messages and nothing appears – when I check the list of spam messages – there I am sandwiched between penis extensions and viagra gibberish. If that isn’t enough to dent one’s pride and piss on your popularity parade I have, for the first time in many many years taken the humongous risk of organising a birthday party.
I could give you a gazillion reasons why I do not normally have birthday parties and yet I have only two reasons to explain why I’m having one this year. My occasionally sober friend kept on badgering me into making a decision on how I was going to celebrate my 30th birthday. Oh and I had a particularly boring afternoon at work. Yes – I am afraid these are the rubbish reasons. To soften my yawns I wrote an invitation e mail. Then I just got carried away. In the beginning it was just going to be a few close friends. But then you get to a certain number and if only those few came it would look like a really lame small pathetic get-together. Obviously I had to invite more people so that everyone would think that I was the most popular boy down the road. At the end of the day the list included just about anyone at work that I had as much as said hello to in the photocopying room in the last five years.
So that means I now have two worries
1. What if nobody comes?
2. What if everybody comes?
I could be either Conortje no friends or it will be a Guinness book of records attempt as my flat could hardly be described as being spacious. If the weather is good I’ll at least be able to use the balcony which at a push could fit an extra four colleagues or six close friends. The party is on Sunday (even though my birthday isn’t until Tuesday so don’t be asking me about that present until then) so I still have some time to start purchasing truck loads of beer and convince myself that parties are fun.
Is it possible to host a party and enjoy it too? If my colleagues come does that mean I have to drink sensibly? Where will I put everyone’s jackets? Could my friend’s behaviour be a sackable offence? What is too little food? Is it to late to cancel?
Everyone knows that your own parties are not fun at least you probably won’t become the demented hostess like me anyway all will be well because I have you the best present in the world!!
Have a virtual party here on the blog. We’ll bring virtual presents and get virtually pissed. To get things started, here’s my gift. Go on. Open it. Do you like it? Where’s the beer by the way? Thanks. Is that Kav over there in the corner? Oh, look. There’s Sweary. See ya later. I’m going over for a chat.
Helllo, Mwah mwah, Where will I set this drink? On here? Great!
Sassy! Love you hair babes. Connor, here’s your present I hope you like it. I thought it would be useful, can’t have too many English/Dutch dictionaries. Would you look at the state of that Kav one? Looks like he’s had a few before he got here!
Will I just throw these coats on the bed? Food, nah feck the food, just gimme a corkscrew! Oh look! Theres Savannah and shes getting on veryyyyyyy well with Blarneyman
tallulah – the best present in the world? That is some
Primal – what a splendid idea – a virtual party. With virtually no cleaning up afterwards. It’s genius!
ellie – Just what I wanted thank you so much. I’m a little worried that primal is leaning just a little too close to sweary – I think she needs rescuing!
Oh, howya Conor. Leaning? Ha ha! Shur I have to lean over – she’s so small. I couldn’t hear a word she was saying with the crap electro whatsit Dario has blasting out of the stereo. Is there another bottle?
Crikey primal you downed that one fast enough! I think fat sparrow is hogging them all but if you ask nicely you might be in luck. Now what arsehead has left a massive cigarette burn in my couch?
Seriously though, what if everybody comes? Easy – you shunt everyone out on to the balcony and then as new people arrive you just chuck a few over the balcony to make room. Mind you, this solution might not appeal to the emergency services.
I’ve made the cake, will 3 candles do?
I’ll be there soon don’t start without me.
Oh yes please, another vodka, thanks man, and make it a double! Listen – do you know whose party this is?
Nick – I would have to make sure that they leave by the balcony after they have given me their present though
grannymar – fabulous- can it be chocolate please?
hidh – have a look for the best looking guy in the room – it’s his birthday
Sorry I’m late, story of my life, but look what I brought! Happy birthday party (given that it’s not technically your birthday). I’ll just go mix us some cocktails and start dancing on the virtual tables.
I threw a party once and nobody came, there had been a gig the night before so everyone was too hung-over to travel (even though I organised a bus for the ungrateful bas…) anyway, we had the best night ever with the 4 people that DID turn up (best friends never let you down!) and I was pretty glad the next day when there was only a little mess to clean up.
By the way, somebody puked in your bath. It wasn’t me.
Er, it wasn’t me who puked, either. Really!
This post gave me a serious case of flashbacks of terrible pre-party nerves and angst. I have sworn I’ll never do it again, even though they all worked out just fine. I think you should get someone in on the party – as in, a double birthday bash or anniversary or something. That way, if it’s a failure, you won’t be alone with it … but I’m sure it will be a blast, so then you take all the credit.
Cool party. Glad I crashed it.
*staggers off to help herself to another glass of punch with a vodka chaser*
fionat – how are you at making mojitos?
k8 – oh no – it’s going to happen to me isn’t it. The good thing of course would be that we’d have oceans of booze for the dedicated few. As for the bath I bet that was Jovica – he’s a terror like that.
gaijin girl – what do you mean crashed – didn’t you get the invite – bleedin’ postal system. I have a feeling that this will be my last one for a very long time. I’m already regreting it and it’s still two days away
If nobody comes you can trash the place … and clean it up the following morning.
And hell, invite everyoine you know! If you can crowbar people into your apartment and make them think they’re having a good time, you’ll be the toast of the town.
Not everyone you invited will show up so don’t worry about that. People expect you to get shit-faced for your 30th birthday, even your co-workers.
I’m a bit hung-over so I need to leave and curl up in a ball.
Enjoy the party, Conor.
Happy early 30th! It is possible to host a party and enjoy it too. Just don’t do a dinner party.
If everyone comes, it will be the party of the century, and if no one comes, all the more booze for you.
And I hate those stupid penis enlarger spams. I wish I’d at least get boobie e-mails for something else I could use.
Wait, would that be the guy behind that window who never says anything but keeps making the same movements as I do? He’s weird, man!
well done, sugar…i haven’t been to a party in holland in more years than i care to remember…h’mmm, i’m sure blarneyman was at that party, too…ellie, ellie, c’mere, sugar we need to talk! by the by, conor luv..if you had opened that present already we could have all seen it by now…oh well..ellie, where the hell are you?? and i never did get an an answer from manuel by the way….
enjoy!
Oh dear, hidh, it’s clear why you’re not invited out more. Probably because your custodians are legally obliged to keep you inside the asylum!
Conortje, fear not! All will be well! And if it isn’t, you’ll have an ocean of booze to soothe your shattered nerves.
Huh! Where am I? Oh, Conor, it’s yourself. Ah no, I just went for a little lie down and forgot the time. Grand now. Who ARE all these people? What are they doing here? Listen, I’d better go now. Have to be up at 11 as Fr. Ted says. Hic*! Bye now. See ya whenever. Hic!*
So, I’m sure my invite just got delayed in the post. Never mind, what time should I turn up at on Sunday? What nibbles have you got?
Dario – don’t know about trashing my own place but I like being toast of the town so I’ll go for that one
Medbh – Thanks
So long as I don’t do anything too embarrassing in front of anyone important I’ll be grand – I’m sure they’d all piss off early enough anyways giving me plenty of time to show my true colours
Thanks Sassy – good to hear these positive words! I also wish they’d stop sending me penis enlargement stuff and send something that I might need
hidh – no, not him – I think he’s the lunatic neighbour – been acting very strange all evening – he is kinda cute though I suppose
savannah – I love it when you call me sugar – I always imagine you say it like ’sugah’ – I hope I’m right. I got another package today so now there are two waiting. How exciting!
jovica – ah you’re the best – well after booze that is
primal – you said that two hours ago – just before you started following that blonde babe everywhere – I’m not sure I know any of these people – but I love them all – isn’t life feckin’ great – Cheers! Ooohh I think I should sit down for a bit, my tummy doesn’t feel so great.
Alan – that’s disgraceful – I sent yours special delivery too. You come whenever you can – the party won’t start until you’re here! As for nibbly things – that is all to be arranged tomorrow in an exciting supermarket dash/panic buying session.
You cant lose. If everyone shows up the wonderful, if not get drunk and pretend there are hundreds there, invent characters and plot lines and so on….
i do indeed..just that way, sugah
After booze???
I want my deposit back!
Haaaapppeeeee Burrrrrthday toooo youuuu.
Haaaapppeeeee Burrrrrthday toooo youuuu.
Haaaapppeeeee Burrrrrthday Mr.Prezeeedeeent.
Haaaapppeeeee Burrrrrthday toooo youuuu.
*Phew* Managed to keep my dress on..this time.
Did someone say mojitos?
A second package. What fun. And of course it’ll be company for the first one, should it be feeling lonely and neglected. The second one’s sure to be the Complete Guide to Perfect Mojitos.
must have been a great party, sugar
What? Am I late? Where did you all go?