Everybody needs good neighbours
3 08 2007In books and films you always see how new arrivals to the neighbourhood go to their neighbours with baskets of home made cakes and other gifts to introduce and ingratiate themselves with the community. In the last month three new sets of neighbours have arrived - directly underneath, to our left and opposite us at the back. I am still waiting for my gift basket from any of them. In fact they seem to think irritation is the best way to announce their arrival.
Those underneath seem to be set on entering the Guinness Book of records for the most amount of cigarettes smoked. They smoke so much, and because the building is over a hundred years old, their smoke seems to seep through the floor and it’s almost like someone is there in my living room happily puffing away. Even with the balcony door and all the windows open the smell is intense.
The Finnish folks opposite us like nothing better than to sit out on their balcony and stare directly in on us. Completely without shame. They don’t even try to hide the fact and stubbornly maintain their gaze when they catch our eyes. I know they are Finnish because they’ve planted a flag on their balcony just in case there’d be any confusion. I’m beginning to wonder if they weren’t the crowd who tried to do me out of my hard earned cash back in March.
The people to the left are more mysteriously annoying. Sitting out on their balcony which adjoins ours they talk very loudly in an extremely important sounding English accent. Snippets of their conversation heard yesterday evening include ‘yes, perhaps I should write this down as it might come in useful later’, ‘I suppose I should go down and face him before it is too late’, ‘If they find out, the situation will change completely’. I have decided that they are running a spy ring here in The Hague and next door is their headquarters. I wouldn’t be surprised if the Finnish are involved somehow.
I could quite happily live without any neighbours. Is that wrong? Does anyone get on with their neighbours anymore? It is not like I am living out in the middle of the countryside where it is expected to lean over the gate post drinking cider with the neighbourhood farmer. (You can tell that I know a lot about country life can’t you?). Is it so much to ask that they remain quiet, respect your privacy and not smell? I’ll give them one more week and if my gift basket hasn’t arrived I am going to be just as annoying back.
I don’t like any of my neighbours. Except when I’m drunk. But then when I’m drunk, I love everyone.
A delivery company once tried to leave a package destined for my neighbour with me. So appalled was I by the thought of having to communicate with the Titian-haired hunk next door that I explained, through the age-old medium of mime, that I neither spoke Dutch nor had any intention of being an intermediary for his package and summarily shut the door in the courier’s face.
I then retired for a quick sherry to celebrate having cunningly avoided any contact with the neighbours.
OOh, I hate that. Whatever about the espionage neighbours, they could maybe add a bit of mystery about the place. The smelly neighbours I could almost abide, by way of having air fresheners going off at regular intervals.
But looky-inny neighbours I could NOT stand. That is the height of rudeness! Back away from people’s personal space, I say.
You should give them a good floor show Conor, in the hope that they’d be mortified never to stare in again
Hello. Occasionally Holy Friend here…
I can totally relate! My neighbour is just bossy and rude enough to make my blood boil, but just helpful enough (in an ultimately self serving sort of way, mind) that I can’t really say anything to her.
Come to think of it: I don’t want to say anything to her. NOTHING!!! And I don’t want her to say anything to me…
Does this mean we’re urban or that we just can’t be bothered with people?
I have an idea: I’ll move in downstairs (smoking problem solved)… We can infiltrate the spy network together or… better yet… start one of our own… We’ll find out how to signal “Go inside you peeping Fins and take your flag with you” in morris code and take turns conveying it to them with blinds… mirrors… we could even use a bicycle bell… In the evenings we could flash it to them using a flood light!
Then we’ll both have fantastic neighbours and be freed from our troubles.
An alternative, however, would be for YOU to go over with a basket of goodies to WELCOME them. (Sorry to disappoint you, but I think that’s actually how it works.) But the whole whole point would be to say: “I’ve noticed you.” You give them the basket so you can sort of have an innocuous “chat” about the neighbourhood. To the Fins you say: “Oh yeah, you’ll like it here. I just LOVE living here… You do get a bit of “inkijk”, which nobody really likes… but other than that it’s great.” To the spies you can say “Oh, I hope I’m not too loud. The walls really are paper thin. You can hear EVERYTHING.” And to the smoker… well, you won’t have to worry about him… cause I’m gonna move in… RIGHT?!
by the way… where’ve you been hiding? I’ve been trying to call you for a week.
I meant: “morse code”
Jovica - Well you could have kept it for yourself - it might have been something wonderful
Alan - great idea actually - I’ll invite my occasioanlly nefarious friend round - he’s great at such shows, isn’t he Jovica?
Roly-polyer - Maybe I’ll bring them round a basket. A basket of nicotine patches
Attach a smoke alarm under one of your floor boards. When they come up to complain tell them it is not in your place it must be in theirs. Give them the tour to prove the point!
Oooh that’s a cunningly evil idea.
Conortje, do as Grannymar says!!!
“Does anyone get on with their neighbours anymore?”
No. My neighbors are cunts. I suspect everyone’s neighbors are cunts. There are very few valid people in the world, and other than those people, who are mainly on my blogroll, we are surrounded by a shower of, you guessed it, cunts.
When I win the Lottery I am buying a multi-acre compound surrounded by a moat that has sharks with frickin’ laser beams on their heads and a death ray that will evaporate interlopers.
“Hi, we’re here to tell you about Jesus….” :::death ray laser strikes:::
“Hi, we’d like to talk to you about the benefits of subscribing to….” :::high-pitched laser beam, followed by little ashy bits:::
“Hey, it’s your brother here….” :::SQUEEEEEEM! Multiple laser attack:::
You get the idea.
I wouldn’t wait a week, Conorín. I’d go around there empty-handed right now and say see, I brought you nothing. Ha! How do you like it now? Huh? Huh?. That’d sicken them no end.
My neighbor on the left changes every couple of months. Never had the chance to really get to know them. My neighbors to the right are a huge Turkish family - they always smile and say hello but we don’t interact much either.
My new neighbor in the opposite building is cool. I was away the last couple of days and she told a friend of mine she’s working with that the basil on my window sill urgently needed water. He called me and I came back just in time.
Oh my GOD I hate my neighbours sooo much, but I still wouldn’t swap them for yours.
Jovica: But then when I’m drunk, I love everyone.
Oh, that explains why I think you are such a sweet, loving creature!
On that show on Conor’s balcony: sounds like an interesting idea, and indeed, you should invite a couple of friends over to assist. It will be a challenge though to come up with something freakish enough to scare them away. They are Finnish after all.
One of my neighbours is a computer scientist from Iran. But I don’t think that she has anything to do with all those strange-looking antennas on the roof.
I always thought the gift basket thing was what the long time residents gave to the new people as the “welcome wagon” to the new building/ neighborhood. In Kansas our welcome wagon had us over for dinner (rancid) and then tried to convert us to their church (we’re athiests).
Yes, all neighbors suck.
grannymar - that is actually I fantastic idea. I am going to give it a go.
jovica - I’m on to it!
sparrow - I might do that too when the doorbell rings. Are you on my blogroll? No, sorry you can’t come in
primal - wouldn’t they then become even more annoying to get back at me? Perhaps I could terrorise them continually until they leave.
lenfercest - that’s what I want - smiling neighbours who just keep to themselves - and help out in basil emergencies.
steph - thanks, I feel so much better now
hidh - you’re right. He went off the booze for a fortnight a couple of years ago. We’re all still recovering. These Finnish people actually look like they’re in Lordi - well the guy does anyway - what can possibly shock them?
medbh - things always work differently in Conorland. It’s a great place to be?
hey, it could be worse. our neighbors run a meth house.
@laurie - I’ll trade your meth house for the several sex shops on my street.
@hidh - I think you’d make an excellent part of any floor show to be performed on the balcony. And I’m sure that would scare off the Finns and the Brits.
@Conortje - I notice you’ve kept me suitably inebriated ever since. I hadn’t realised it was a premeditated plan.
I’ll have them whacked if you pass on the details.
I’d say the smokers underneath are just on their first trip to Holland-don’t worry, they’ll calm down eventually, or become full blown junkies and get kicked out!
You can get rid of the Finns by sub-letting your apartment out to older couples on an hourly rate. Become the wrinkle loving capital of the world and they’ll turn away so fast that they could file for whiplash.
The brits, that could be tough. They sound as if they think they’re important, probably tories. You should talk to them, constantly making reference to their fallen empire and the fact that they are now playing second fiddle to the US. If you really want to twist the knife;talk about how great it is to live in the EU or the fact that George Best was from Belfast
Having lived in three flats, most of the above moans are very familiar! I particularly identify with the tobacco reek coming up through the floor as that also happened to me. Never did find a solution though, problem was only solved when the offending couple moved out. IMO flats are a complete no-no if you want a decent quality of life - see my own post on the subject Flats For Sale (April 1)
I thought it was the old residents who brought the new residents the baked goods? Although I like this European twist. Except that my new neighbours don’t seem to practice it either.
Neighbours eh, no need. Coco Rosie though now you’re talking. Good listening there Conortje
laurie - hmmm I think you win
Jovica - hehe it doesn’t exactly take a lot of planning
Bock - I bet you actually could as well
rua - Worryingly I think they’re more the ‘worthy’ new labour yuppie type - with children
Beth - I think it probably is that way here too by right but you know what, I deserve it more than they do!
Manuel - How brilliant is their new album!
I think my former neighbors may have relocated to the the floor beneath you. What a drag.
And perhaps I get my eavesdropping tendencies from my Finnish roots. Something to consider.
New labour=old Torie
Its just that labour don’t admit to being evil