I’ve always blushed and squirmed and begun making excuses whenever anybody found out that I had a lady come to my house to help me with some of my … filthier needs. The first time she turned up I felt very awkward about the situation but I soon began to look forward to her regular visits. If, for whatever reason, she couldn’t come, the problem would just build up getting more and more urgent until she arrived to deal with it. After all these years of my lazy incompetence finally I had someone to do a spot of cleaning for me.
But for some reason I was loath to admit this to anyone. I’m not entirely sure what my problem was but I think I had a fear that I’d been seen as some sort of evil slave driver who was too lazy to pick up a mop once in a while. But it’s only once every two weeks and then only for a couple of hours I would offer voluntarily and she doesn’t even sweep underneath the furniture. This last piece of information usually elicited raised eyebrows which I took to mean that I was clearly being ridiculously charitable hiring such a misfortunate cleaner. So long as nobody knew I had a cleaner I felt happy with the arrangement. My apartment would be get a quick wipe and a scrub once a fortnight which meant I never even had to mention the word dust.
And then she began to slowly raise her prices. The first hike was by two euro but I decided that even still it was worth it to come home once a fortnight and be able to see the floor again. After a period of getting used to this new financial burden she announced last week that she was raising her fee again, this time by a further three euro bringing her costs to a massive 15 euro an hour. When I read her little note I realised that our fruitful relationship had come to an end. I could no longer justify such a luxury. Because her English isn’t great we generally communicate by text and I agonised for hours how to phrase my message. I tried my very best to convey to her that I appreciated all her hard work but I was unfortunately not in a financial position to have a cleaner any longer.
Her reply broke my heart – ’That’s sad. I just ask if it’s possible, and your answer is I’m fired?’. My eyes welled up and I felt meaner than the nasty man on The Apprentice. She’ll probably have to return to her homeland now with her confidence in shatters I thought to myself until I remembered she only worked for me two hours once a fortnight. As I looked down at my bathroom floor I suddenly started to feel even sorrier for myself. I guess I need to figure how a mop works now…although clean floors are quite overrated… Well at least I won’t have to worry about people finding out about my dirty secret any longer.
A little woman what does. I always wanted one of those. One who’d vacuum the cat hair out of the fridge and stuff like that.
Can I have her now that you sacked her (you cruel, callous, hard-hearted bastard)?
No shame in that honeybee. Find a more reasonably priced “lifestyle assistant” and continue on. As for mopping . . very much an overated activity!!!
primal – mine refused to touch the fridge – apart from helping herself to whatever was in there
townygirl – lifestyle assistant – I love it
I vowed never to get a cleaner after a friend of mine woke up at 3am to find hers standing at the end of her bed asking for cash.
I’d rather the elbow grease…
I share the same guilty secret – mine even comes and waters the plants when I am away. Its so nice to come home to a really clean house once every two weeks. I don’t mind hoovering ocassionally but I don’t like washing down the kitchen and bathroom floors. And towny girl – how many weeks did your friend not pay her cleaner?
catherine – how mad is that – had she not paid her? was she insane?
textual – sounds just like me. I hope yours wasn’t as expensive though
It was a he actually, and yes, I think he was a little bit mental. He’d been nicking her DVDs and putting them back in the wrong people’s houses for a few weeks before that. She wondered why she had suddenly acquired a copy of Romper Stomper…
LOL @ Catherine’s story!
Conor; I think I’ve already said this, but you shouldn’t feel bad! Like you said, she didn’t clean underneath the furniture!
And also; if I have to clean, then so does everyone else. To the dole queue with you, Mrs Conortje’s ex-occasional-cleaner!
Hehehe, this was very funny – and very recognisable as to the guilty feelings. I blame my parents for that – if they had kept attendants while I grew up, I would not have to cope with this now.
My own little cleaning lady (a delightfully quirky Polish art student who my bf says bosses me around) (still?) charges € 12.50 an hour. I always thought this was a little on the expensive side, but thanks to you I feel much better about this now.
Incidentally, she is also looking for more work – interested?
Jenny and I once had a cleaner when we were both working full-time. Jenny felt fine about it but I always felt guilty that I wasn’t doing the cleaning myself. Plus I didn’t like the idea of someone else roaming the flat while we were out. Now we’re thinking of getting a cleaner again, but the trouble here is that they’re like gold dust – if you can find one at all, it’s a miracle.
catherine – hehe I don’t know, that cleaner sounds like mad craic
alan – I don’t feel bad anymore, I just checked my bank balance – Holy Shark’s teeth!
hidh – attendants? hehe Sadly I reckon it is time to get down on my own hands and knees and get the work done mysel. Yawn.
nick – I often wondered if she had a poke about when I was gone. I mean you would be tempted wouldn’t you…
I feel you. But there’s no shame in needing help. Our lives are so hectic that it’s hard for anyone to keep up. I don’t think I’d like a stranger in my home….but I’ve considered asking a relative to help out for a reasonable fee. That way, you and the family member can benefit. Keep it in the family.
blimey catherine, that story puts me off too. creeeepy.
ok conor, i feel i must confess to once having an “ironing man.” He came every other week, took away crinkled items and brought them back tip top and pristine – i miss him more than the exboyfriend that paid for him lol.
I wanted to get a cleaner but the Italian claims you wouldn’t find one who’d set foot in our flat.
I think he may be right.
Funny thing I do do a bit of clean before she comes. Um put away any toys or literature that might be embarassing. Check for crumpled kleenex under the pillow etc… But I haven’t noticed any CDs or food missing.
blognout – hmm hiring family sounds like trouble to me hehehe
towny – an ironing man? Seriously? Oh my god how perfect does that sound! I want one! And I want a boyfriend to pay for him too hehe
caro – hehe all the more reason to get one – or two if it’s that bad
textual – I did that too – did a mad tidy before she came. By embarassing literature I can only imagine you mean The Sun
i’m with primal! though i say send her to america, the land of opportunity! 15 euros an hour, that’s, what, 30 dollars an hour? or more? you and your healthy euros…
that’s still cheaper than the cleaners we shockingly hire. (hey, we gotta lotta dog hair.)
What can you do – it’s a luxury and if the price goes up – you have to reasses your situation.
I don’t think your €30 a fortnight was her sole reason for living and she may be able to stay in the country so stop the guilt.
I have been considering getting a cleaner once a week. We are so busy with work, college and of course the all important social life that our place is always a bit grotty.
The Sun Gor Blimey Guv Got me bang to rights.
i agree that clean floor are overrated – i spent my whole saturday cleaning the house, mop in hand, and 2 days later the incredible irish dust had set nicely on everything again, looks worse than it was before!
tatoca
i’m with tatoca – why is that? yes, an ironing man, honestly. he and his wife used to collect the clothes and bring them back ironed 2 days later. . i actually cried when i had to tell him to stop coming around lol
laurie – you’re kidding me – at those rates I’m tempted to move there myself and become a cleaner
lizlyon- that’s the thing,let’s face it there is ALWAYS something else to do than cleaning
textual – hehe I won’t tell anyone
tatoca – where does it all come from, over here with the wooden floors I get little balls of dusty fluff blowing about too, very strange…
towny – wife? Damn, there’s always a catch!:-)
Seriously, this is too funny. After years of arguments the little lady got the services of a cleaner, also once a fortnight for 3 hours.
I think they could be the same person, because she is shocking!
She’s broken our oven and mangled our digital box, and has started bringing her kids with too now.
All she does is spray polish around the room.
And the beauty of it, I’m barred by herself from telling anyone we have a cleaner…
Anything for a quiet life…
Cleanliness is over-rated. We sort of tidy up every so often… When my mother-in-law is due to come round – panic stations!
My sister-in-law, B, does have a cleaner though and reckons it’s a lifesaver. Although she went through a bit of pain to find someone she was happy with. B found the first candidate passed out on the floor one day after she whacked through the contents of the entire gin bottle. And there was another one who left the iron on and wandered off home…
I hate to pay for something I should really be doing but I hate cleaning more. Mine comes once a week and is brilliant. Just put a mop in that DIY bucket thats collecting rainwater and you’ll be grand!
I don’t understand this, why is 15 Euros an hour unreasonable? Is the going rate for cleaners in the mighty Netherlands 10 Euros p/h? Just because it is a “cleaning job” and not “computer networking” doesn’t mean people should work 15 hour days scrubbing other people’s floors to make bugger all money still. OMG what has the world come to.
Having ranted in general about the cruel world and slavery disguised as “paid work”, I can totally relate to not being able to afford a cleaner or justify the cost. There is nothing more I’d like than having a dirty secret or two. You will adjust though, Conor, it takes about 2 hours to clean the house I live in so I am going to guess probably an hour for your apartment depending on the level of mess, dirt and dust. It IS good exercise!
Gxoxo
I always felt that way about cleaners. We only had them out to the house a couple of times, but I felt ridiculously guilty about it.
xbox – hehe well your dirty secret is out now
jen – fortunately mine never touched my alcohol stocks – that would have been too much
quickroute – the DIY bucket? That’s genius!
gaye – 15 euro is a lot of money. It would be fine for a company to pay perhaps but for an individual it’s a bit steep seeing as it is an unskilled job
ann – where would the world be withoput guilt? Ireland wouldn’t exist at all probably
Best thing about living with four girls? I don’t meet their standards of cleanliness so the bulk of it is too important to be fucked around with by the likes of me, I’m allowed wash the dishes though….sometimes
Hey Im off to drown a bag of kittens later, you wanna come? your so cruel……
hehehehehe
only joking
Muhah Conor, sometimes unskilled cleaners are the best cleaners!
rua – hehe that’s a great solution actually – now where do I find myself such obliging housemates?
manuel – you’re a mean man so ya are
gaye – true, mine definitely wasn’t one of them though
I was tempted to say that I wouldn’t mind finding my cleaner standing at the bottom of my bed at three o clock in the morning. But hell she might be reading this to improve her English skills
it’s my quarterly treat, sugar…yep, a service comes in and completely does the entire house and it looks lovely! of course, the MITM thinks i slave over the upkeep of this ancient, i mean, historic home 24/7 in addition to my real work while he’s gone – but, really, why bother? i justify the entire thing by knowing i’m contributing to the national economy!
xoxoxo
I’m with Gayé – What d’you mean it’s an unskilled job? So what? We all need enough money to live on, plus you’re paying for the convenience of not doing the job yourself!
textual – hehehe I love it
savannah – that sounds perfect
nick – I think you may be missing the point. I am not saying cleaners shouldn’t be paid!?!? Of course they need to make a living – whyever do you think I have a problem with that? Unless you live in a communist society though unskilled workers will be paid less than skilled, it’s a pretty basic philosophy and I believe one that makes sense. I do not believe that unskilled workers should be treated badly or paid badly neither do I think they should charge the same fee as someone who has studied for years to get a craft or qualification. One can just wander in off the street with a mop and call themselves a cleaner for heaven’s sake. I’m a little surprised to even be discussing all this here to be honest. I think 15 euro an hour is a high fee for a bad cleaner – not sure what one can argue against that. Cleaning is an unskilled profession that is not an opinion but a fact.
Just to weigh in on the 15 euros an hour debate – I have a Masters degree, work in IT and make less than 15 euros an hour gross (less than 10 net). I’m sure wages are higher in general in the Netherlands than in Italy, but still.
I don’t know how honest people are in the Netherlands, but here cleaners would declare very little if any of their income for tax.
Oops, didn’t mean to cause offence, Conor. Of course people who’ve studied for years should get higher salaries. I was just suggesting that everyone should have a living wage, even if their skills are limited.
I actually think (good) cleaners are skilled (as are people who can iron clothes properly and clean windows without leaving smears all over them). Others can do these jobs considerably better than me and I think learning these skills takes considerable practice – most often learned informally. As a PS my cleaner told me this week that I was paying her too much. I left a 20 note out as I didn’t have 2.50 change and she reminded me to pay her less next week!
Good cleaners are skilled. I don’t know one end of a vacuum or mop from another and don’t care to. I would take a week to sort this place out when my cleaner does it in 4 hours, tops.
My cleaner said to me if you’re poor it’s $8.00 an hour but if you have money it’s $10/hour.
I pay her $10.00.
Self defined socialism. Grand.
[...] that rag 12 08 2008 Now that nobody is going to do it for me I finally got off my lazy arse on Saturday in a fit of determination to clean my apartment. How hard [...]