In my imagination there is no complication

To enter the building where I work we have to go through a security check just like at the airport – but without any promise of an exotic destination. We have to pass through a metal detector which limits what type of belts we can wear and how much loose change we can smuggle inside. We also have to ensure we’re not carrying anything remotely embarrassing in our bags as they’re all sent through an x-ray machine too. When you do this day in day out, every morning and lunch it becomes so tiresome and tedious that anything to divert boredom and entertain is grasped with startling enthusiasm. This usually involves a healthy dose of imagination and whichever security officer happens to be working at that time.

Also distracting was the announcement made at work last week that ‘The Swine Flu has hit The Hague’. And I must admit they seem to know about these things – remember this from just a few days before anyone had ever even heard of the thing? Now that there are two confirmed cases in the area they’ve made their advice more specific and published a list of what to do and what to avoid, including;

- Use paper tissues when coughing or sneezing, use paper tissues once only
- Wash hands after coughing, sneezing and blowing your nose
- Clean doorknobs, kitchen appliances, keyboards and your desk frequently with antibacterial substances
- Avoid routine kissing, shaking hands and touching.
- Wash hands after every contact with a person displaying flu like symptoms
- Call your GP and stay at home if your symptoms persist or worsen

I took all this in and found my mind drifting through the x-ray machine following my bag to the other side. As I glanced at the security officer I began piecing together the defence case I’d establish. How could the officer possibly mind if I was to  grab him suddenly and bend him backwards with a flourish in order to slap an enormous kiss on his terrified face?

I’m only trying to avoid the flu! I’d plead – I’m bringing my kissing up to guideline levels and making it as un-routine as possible – I didn’t even want to kiss  you, honestly, I’m only trying to stay healthy!