You’re drunk you’re drunk you silly old fool

To enter North Korea you must join a tour group – no other option. You will then be guided by two experienced North Korean guides. You will also be accompanied by a representative of whatever tour company you booked with. The person who travelled with us from the tour company turned out to be just as bizarre and baffling as the country we were visiting. He was a 24 year old from New Zeeland and managed to provide as much entertainment, stress and concern as anything we saw in Korea. Instead of repeating the whole story I will instead post the letter I wrote to the company after the ordeal.

___________________________________________________________________

Dear All,
I hardly know how to begin writing this e mail concerning T*** C******’s distressing behaviour on the recent group tour in Korea. A few days have passed and even still I am shocked and appalled by the events.

As you probably know it began as it continued, with T*** drinking. The first sign that we were dealing with a problem case presented itself at the very beginning when T*** managed to have us all miss the (thrice weekly) train to North Korea as he stood in the station hall chatting and drinking beer after beer. Amazingly he had asked us to be there three and a half hours early, which we all were. As the time for the departure time got closer I asked him what we were waiting for and why we were not going to a platform. He seemed to think that 1) there’d be a special announcement and 2) that he’d understand it even though he admitted previously that his Chinese is particularly poor. There were no announcements the entire time we waited and he never asked a single person for assistance. We could only assume T*** knew what he was doing, he was the tour leader after all. Sadly we quickly found out that he never knows what he is doing. T*** does not have the maturity or responsibility to lead an adult group. I would suggest he’d struggle leading children around Disneyland let alone a group of
curious adults around a country as intricate and sensitive as DPR Korea. It is worth mentioning that at no point did T*** offer an apology for causing us to miss the train.

We then had to rely on his Chinese wife organising airplane tickets to another Chinese city where we hoped we could then catch the train we had unnecessarily missed. Thankfully his wife managed what T*** couldn’t and we boarded the train at 3am (instead of 6pm as planned).

Only hours after meeting T***, fueled by beer, regaled us with story after story of how drunk he gets on different occasions. This was interspersed with comments like ‘I would love to plough that Korean chick – and come to think of it I would nail her mother as well’.

T*** clearly has no concept of the customer client relationship. We all felt extremely uncomfortable with these comments and the constant bragging of his alcohol binges. We heard far, far more from T*** C******* about his relationship with alcohol than we did about DPR Korea. In fact I learnt more in one hour from Simon, a guide with Koryo Tours than I did the entire unfortunate time spent with T***.

I could write many examples of T***’s immaturity and excessive drinking but I will keep it to one rather obvious one where, after lunch he drank six glasses of rice wine in the space of one minute.

Skipping right to the end, how T*** acted on the last day was the single most astonishing behaviour I have ever witnessed. At 2pm he swaggered into our train cabin having already drunk countless beers and a half bottle of vodka. He made no sense whatsoever but attempted conversation nonetheless. Suggestions that he go and find some coffee were not even understood as he battled to form even one coherent sentence. He quickly passed out and we let him sleep until we neared the border. Our attempts to wake him up included slapping him and pouring water on his face – neither having any effect. Eventually we managed to rouse him somewhat by lifting him.

When the border officials arrived our embarrassment grew and grew. T*** spoke utter nonsense at them, for example insisting he had given them his passport when he clearly had not done any such thing. He was, at this point already, the drunkest I have ever seen any human being in my life. Bearing in mind he was working at the time and passing through a high security border and responsible for a group of five this is completely unacceptable and beyond upsetting and shocking.

Being in no condition to fill in the exit and entry forms the other gentlemen on our tour attempted it for him. Their reward for this kindness was a drunken roar of  ‘f****ing French c***s’ being yelled at them. Astonishingly after this T*** continued to drink even more and we then decided that he was on his own. We managed to sort out our train tickets and passed through the border with no help from him whatsoever.

The DPR Korea is a fascinating country but all on our group agree that our experience was hugely tainted by our guide T***. Instead of having a guide organise things for us we ended up taking care of him. Having paid quite a lot of money for this tour this is completely unacceptable.

T*** is clearly an alcoholic and in no condition to be in charge of a group. I would venture to say that he is unable to manage his own activities let alone those of others.

I am certain I speak for all five when I say that the experience with Young Pioneers last week was a disaster and a most unpleasant experience.

This has been the single most disappointing and upsetting experience I have ever had with any company.

yours,

The Leaders of the free world are just little boys throwing stones

The whole time I spent in North Korea was bizarre in the extreme and even though we were constantly being brought to places, I will remember each and every stop we made. I would certainly recommend a visit if you want to go somewhere truly different from what you know.

One experience sums up DPR Korea nicely for me. We were taken to the Korean Film studios where all North Korean films are made. After being taken around the vast grounds to see their various sets we were treated to a twenty minute clip of a film that was to be released shortly.

It was about a farmer who wanted to get married but had failed to reach the required harvest quota. We saw him sitting with his friends, distraught that he could not marry because he had let down his family and country. Somehow or other, however, the Dear Leader, Kim Jung Il heard about the case and granted him special permission to marry. Not only was he so kind hearted to do this, but he also paid for the wedding and provided all the food – the camera does a very slow movement from the bottom of the banquet table to the top showing off foods that most North Koreans could only dream about. To top it all off the Dear Leader also sent them the gift of a brand new tractor!

The clip ends with the wedding speech. The groom struggles to get his speech out as he praises the Dear Leader for his generosity and kind heartedness and in the end just gives up and sobs out of love from Kim Jung Il.

We were almost crying ourselves at how ludicrous it all was. But then when you think that this is all the people get to see you realise how sad it is too. How many Koreans live in the ridiculous hope that the Dear Leader will do something similar for them?

The two guides we had were both very kind and intelligent people. They were constantly professional if not overly cautious. They were very careful about everything they said and about what they allowed us to see. Only when we took the long drive to another city did they relax somewhat. During this trip their curiosity overtook ours as they asked to look at the books we brought and listen to our ipods. This was one of my favourite moments on the trip where the guides allowed themselves to be just like us. They also asked us lots of questions about the outside world, what was going and what the rest of the world really thought of their country. We struggled with how to answer these questions. They are intelligent adults and to hide the truth seemed insincere and pointless. At the same time they are trapped in a country where any difference of opinion is clearly not an option. What good would it do to explain the truth to them.

Finally it is only our truth that we could offer. Fine we can travel and criticise our leaders if we wish, but how much do we really know about what is going on in our own countries? Like the North Koreans we generally accept that what we heard on the news and in the papers is the truth. We are the good guys and the North Koreans are insane and possibly even evil.  Well I certainly do not believe that the North Koreans are any different from us. They have had a very difficult history and are now dealing with that legacy. I hope that someday they get the freedom to question and be allowed to decide for themselves which answers they believe in.

At the Demilatarised Zone on the border with South Korea we asked our army guide if he could ever see a day when the country is reunited. Of course he replied with a hopeful face as soon as the US imperialists withdraw their occupation of South Korea.

You can see all my photos from North Korea here.

Crazy in Love

How should one dress when going to visit the dead body of a dictator/country’s saviour/national lunatic/renowned egomanic/saint? We were warned that jeans would not be acceptable and if at all possible a tie should be on show to demonstrate how seriously we were taking the visit. Needless to say a tie hadn’t made it on my list of things to take around the world with me so I had to borrow one and buy a new pair of black pants for the occasion.

We were assembled at the entrance to the complex (for it is a massive spread of buildings) early in the morning not knowing what to expect. When I was in Hanoi I had popped in to say hello to Uncle Ho’s body so I assumed that this would be similar. I had practiced my straight face and overtly earnest look for that visit so I reckoned that I was well able for this. How wrong I was.

After dealing with some security issues and ensuring all coats/cameras etc were handed in we were allowed to begin the long, impressive journey that eventually bring us face to face with Kim Il Sung himself. The first part we came to was an extremely long, narrow corridor which had a travelator to carry you along the route. But before we could step on the travelator we first had to step on a machine that cleaned our shoes lest we bring in dirt from the world’s cleanest city.

Everybody stood still as the travelator took us slowly along the way for what must have been twelve minutes or so. Perhaps the idea was that this time afforded you the chance to reflect on the gravity of what you were about to witness. Finally we arrived at a massive, cavernous room which was entirely empty apart from a huge white statue of The Great Leader at the far end. In this imposing space we felt tiny walking the long way up the statue. When we reached the top of the room we had to form ourselves in lines of four. Each line would then approach the statue and bow in unison before we were allowed into the next room.

The next large space provided portraits of the grieving DPR Korea after they had heard the horrific news of the Eternal President’s death. The pictures covered every wall and as we entered we were each handed an audio guide which told us the story, in English, of just how distraught and shattered the people were when they heard the catastrophic news. This is, without exception, the funniest thing I have ever heard in my life. The text ran on for about eight minutes or so as we were guided from one image of a sobbing Korea to the other. It contained such priceless commentary as ‘so distraught and inconsolable were the people upon hearing the horrendous news that their scorching tears fell to the earth and fossilized instantly on the traumatised ground below them’. Keeping a straight face in that room has to be my single biggest achievement while travelling to date. I knew I couldn’t look at any of my fellow travellers in the face or I would erupt in hysterics. I was also aware that for the Koreans this really was an almost religious experience and the seriousness with which they took it all was completely sincere. No matter how ludicrous I felt it all to be, it still deserved my respect – or as much of it as I could give.

After regaining my composure it became apparent that we were almost there – the Great Leader was only metres away. Before we were allowed into the ultimate room we had to pass through enormous machines which blew wind from all angles at us to ensure we weren’t bringing as much as a speck of dust in with us. With great effort I resisted the urge to do a Beyonce impression – I mean am I ever, EVER going to have industrial wind machines at my disposal again???

Finally the long wait was over and I snapped out of my popstar daydream and could enter the sombre room which was almost completely dark with black walls and very low, dim lighting apart from a bright red spot light which shone down on the glass coffin below which held the body of Kim Il Sung.

Again we had to line ourselves into four to approach the coffin and had to bow at his feet and at his right and left sides. We were instructed not to bow behind his head as this would have been sacrilegious.

Before we knew it we had left his presence again and were led into a room which was a showcase of awards, honours and gifts that other (communist) countries had bestowed upon the Great Leader during his life. And that was it – apart from being shown the train carriage he had used to move about the country alongside a giant map of the world showing all the places he had ever travelled to and in which year. We made our way back outside where thousands of school children were taking part in some important ceremony. Still in a daze from our audience with the Eternal President this next display was just icing on the cake. In few other countries (if any) would it be possible to witness such displays of extremism and be struck my both awe and laughter. As I tried to let it all sink in however I just couldn’t shake one thing from my head: the same line over and over again… got me looking so crazy right now, your love’s got me looking so crazy right now…

World leader pretend

It really was astonishing to see huge pictures of Kim Il Sung everywhere you go in DPR Korea. The love of the great leader really does appear to be genuine and far reaching. His son, the current leader, Kim Jong Il does not seem to have acquired the same godly status as his father – who incidentally is still known as the president even though he died in 1994. In fact his title is The Eternal President. My visit to North Korea coincided with his birthday celebrations which simply meant that even more love for the Great Leader flooded the city than normal. And it is always in overdrive at the best of times – every citizen wears a little badge with his beaming face on it!

Part of our tour had us visiting an enormous statue of him that overlooks the city. As it was a special occasion the area in front of the statue was covered in flowers which citizens brought as a mark of respect or a birthday gift – I couldn’t be quite sure. Thousands were gathering to wish the dead leader a happy birthday and would approach the statue in groups of maybe two hundred or so at a time. Huge speakers on either side of the statue played rousing sad music and then a female voice, which was almost in tears, recited something which then encouraged everyone to bow in unison in front of the statue. Even though our group consisted of only five people the next bunch of Korean mourners instinctively knew when they saw us on the sidelines that they had to wait until the foreigners had left to continue with this bow-athon.

We walked up to the statue and I was instructed to lay a bouquet of flowers at his feet. I had previously been warned not ever to turn my back to the great leader so to return to my group I had to walk backwards for about ten metres or so hoping that I wouldn’t trip or bump into anyone – especially as I had an audience of hundreds of already emotional Koreans. I managed not to disgrace myself or insult The Great Leader and as soon as the flowers were layed and we had offered our bows to the collection we stepped aside and hundreds of Koreans immediately took our place to continue the ritual. Later when I sent postcards to my friends I wrote pretty much the same message in all of them; Today I had the great honour to lay flowers at the statue of the Great Leader and Eternal President Kim Il Sung. What a privilege! I knew that my postcards would be viewed and read by officials before being allowed out of the country and I was well aware that in any other land they would read my message in the facetious manner it was written. In DPR Korea however people really do talk like this and I am certain that the censor would not have batted an eyelid at my exaggerated enthusiasm.

After our guides were satisfied that we had suitably honoured their Great Leader we were whisked away to sight after sight after sight. They showed us the war museum which basically consisted of providing us proof of the US Imperialists’ corruption, dishonesty and aggression. Every word spoken to us was extreme propaganda but fascinating all the same. It was hard not to laugh at times at the completely over the top language. Having said that, it was clear that there were also nuggets of truth in almost everything they said. I’m pretty sure however that the word diplomacy has gone the way of the canines in Pyongyang.

As we were being bussed from one location to the next our eyes were glued to the street scenes outside. People did not seem unhappy or unhealthy. They appeared to be going about their business just as they would in any other country. Pyongyang doesn’t have much traffic at all. In fact when we drove over two hours to Kaesong, another city near the border to South Korea we saw only one other vehicle on the entire journey. Coming back we saw none! In Pyongyang city instead of traffic lights they have fascinating Traffic Girls who are all pretty, young ladies who sternly direct the few vehicles. They move in staccato robotic motions that are riveting to look at if not totally hilarious. Definitely one of my favourite features of DPR Korea.

Our non-stop tour took us to any place that made the Koreans feel proud –  from their outdated but functioning metro, a shooting range (where I shot my first gun!), a book shop (where every book was written by either the Great Leader or the Dear Leader) to the America spy ship USS Pueblo which they captured in 1968.

All throughout, whoever was leading us through spoke with brimming pride and reminded us every few minutes how aggressive the US is and how they are occupying South Korea. Sometimes this was scary but usually the extreme language and sincerity with which it was conveyed only resulted in us doing our very best to stifle laughter.

For our last activity on the second day we were brought to a school for talented children where all the tourists visiting Korea at that time were taken. All at the same time. We were brought from class to class and shown kids excelling in dancing, drawing, IT, singing and countless other sports and musical instruments. It seemed that we were witnessing classes in progress although I sincerely doubt how anyone could follow a class with a stream of tourists continuously being brought in and out to view the children as if they were animals in a zoo. I felt distinctly uncomfortable during the whole visit, for many reasons. I wondered if these young people had chosen to work so hard in their fields or if they were being forced to excel. Also I wondered what room was there for failure if any. At the same time it is too easy to be hard on North Korea and it is more than possible that these kids loved what they were doing and were simply being given every help to ensure they succeed. Whatever the truth it still felt wrong that children were being used as a exhibition for tourists. If the Koreans had wanted to use this school to provide us with a favourable view of their country their efforts certainly backfired.

After the last tourist had finished the tour we were all herded into a theatre in the school building where we treated to an hour-long show by the students of the school. This was one of the most incredible performances I have ever seen. Singing, acting, dancing, music and acrobatics all performed to a standard that would leave professional theatres in Europe with green faces.

Exhausted by the action-filled day we were swiftly taken to a tourist restaurant as soon as the show ended and treated to yet another wonderful meal with local beer and rice wine. Our guides never ate with us which meant that meal times afforded us the first opportunity to talk among each other about what we had witnessed. It will take a long time yet to process it all but those meal times were a wonderful help as we shared our favourite and most ludicrous moment from the day or added more questions to the hundreds we had already formed. We were only in DPR Korea a few days but we had been shown so much and were more puzzled and bemused than ever. And this was before we were taken to see Kim Il Sung himself. Yes, we were granted an audience with the Great Leader. And on his birthday too…

It’s oh so quiet

Without a doubt my trip to North Korea is the most bizarre, unique experience of my life so far: in so many ways and for various reasons. I will explain the unbelievable adventures we had getting in and out of the country later by posting the e mail I sent the tour operator. In the meantime I will attempt to recall the days we spent hearing all about how wonderful the Great Leader was and how nasty the US imperialists are.

After spending two hours waiting at the Chinese side of the border we slowly made our way along the bridge over the river marking the border and the difference was instantly startling. The contrast between the modern, built up Chinese side and the bleak emptiness of the Korean equivalent was astonishing. There are well positioned telescopes  for the public to use on the Chinese side which were all occupied by curious Chinese people hoping to catch a glimpse at what was happening in their neighbouring country.

Only a couple of minutes after leaving the bridge the train pulled into a station (adorned of course with huge portraits of Kim Il Sung) and there we stayed for over two hours while customs officials went through every single bag of every passenger on the busy train. We weren’t allowed bring zoom lenses for our cameras and every electronic device was thoroughly investigated in case it was also had GPS facilities which was also forbidden. We had to declare any books we had with us and the officials checked every magazine and novel in case they harboured opinions offensive to North Korea. We were also forced to surrender our mobile phones for the entire duration of our visit. The thing that disturbed me most about the whole process however was that the toilets were all locked for the entire duration of the investigation which led to a very desperate Conortje who began to appear more and more agitated and suspicious as the minutes wore on. After an excruciatingly long two hours we were finally allowed continue our journey and use the loos again. The relief on both counts was huge!

We continued on towards the capital Pyongyang passing small towns and huge stretches of parched brown countryside. We saw countless paddy fields which were as brown as the Vietnamese ones were green. If these fields ever yielded a single grain of rice I would be amazed. When we finally arrived in Pyongyang we were met by the two guides who were to constantly accompany us during our stay. We were told never to go anywhere without them. Ever! At night we must not leave the hotel and during the day never stray further than a few metres from one of the guides. Other rules included not taking photographs of people (especially police officers and soldiers) and when (not if) we wished to take a photo of a statue of the Great Leader we had to ensure that the image was of the complete statue and not just a part of it. This will be checked at the border when we leave we were warned – and indeed it was! With the rules dispensed with we were taken on a night tour of the city on our mini bus. It’s actually an impressive enough city. The cleanest I have ever seen. Not one stray wrapper to be found littering the street. It’s also painfully quiet. Not many people venture out into the dark streets at night and dogs are banned throughout the city leaving an almost eerie silence. The darkness is startling. Even the buses and trams that ran after sunset were dark – you could just about glimpse the people inside if you strained your eyes.

The hotel we were taken to was super modern and luxurious especially when you consider what was going on outside. This is a nation where food and clothes are still rationed and most of the population are suffering from serious hunger. The foreign visitors however (it seems almost wrong to call us tourists) were treated to facilities which include a swimming pool, at least five restaurants, a bar, a casino, bowling alley, karaoke, shops and lord knows what else all on the hotel site so you won’t even be tempted to venture outside into the real Korea. None of this ever eased my constant urge to run outside and onto a real North Korean street mind you.

Our two guides seemed a little nervous with their new group and were clearly sizing us up and down trying to gauge whether or not any of our group (there were five of us) would prove to be difficult. We instructed to meet for breakfast in restaurant number 1 the next morning and be ready to leave on the bus at 08:30 to begin or packed tour of Pyongyang.

Daniel you’re a star

Karaoke at the Diplomat’s Club in Pyongyang, DPRK.

(I may find myself single for posting this… but look at that face and tell me it doesn’t make you feel a little gooey. Adorable!)

Posted by The Newfie